Meme yoinked from Sportsquee

"If I were a hockey player" (to the tune of "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler, of course)

Team: New York Islanders

Uniform number: 38

Position: back-up Goalie

Nickname: McMer, McPhizzle, Irish Iguana, Red, Cinnamon-Sugar Tits

Dream linemates: I want The Dion and Brendan Witt in front of me. hard hitters and cute as buttons

Rounding out the PP: Joe Thornton, Mike Fisher and Todd Bertuzzi (if I need to explain those choices, you obviously know nothing about me)

Job: Bench warmer and water girl. Let's face it, even if Ricky gets another concussion, they'd still pull Dubie up and I'd still just be eyecandy on the bench.

Signature move: Making kissy faces and winking at opposing players to get them off their game. The occasional boob might have to be flashed for those pesky "focused" types.

Strengths: great glove hand (that's what he said...), firey red hair, big fat mouth that's usually spewing some sort of sarcastic commentary, bedroom eyes, killer salsa-making skills, I know my way around the kitchen, and I can shake my booty with the best of them.

Weaknesses: various food/latex allergies, healthy fear of male genitalia, tendency to get heat rash under the chest protector, trick knee, I'm really unlpeasent when hungry and tired.

Equipment: pads and blocker with more stars than Ricky D; stick all done up with pink tape; Pink and Orange painted Helmet - also laden with stars; purple neck protector; no turtlenecks. period.

Nemesis: Detroit Redwings; The Martins - both Brodeur and St. Louis; the creepy creepy Sedin Twins - I refuse to look at them from the bench for fear that they will use their powers of evil to make my breasts sag like a mother of 12.

Scandal involvment: being a lovechild of a young Mark Messier; demanding to dress in the same room as the boys; changing my hair color during playoffs; my unwillingness to divulge to the media whether or not i have a 'playoff beard'

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: If I'm in net? The Blackhawks... I'll give me a fighting chance.

What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it to an Ams game so that a certain someone could stop gloating, drink an enormous shirley temple out of it (lots of extra cherries) and then when my sugar crashed, sleep with it. Naked. Spooning my picks for linemates of course. (Well, at least DiPi, Fish, Joe and The Dion - something tells me I don't want to mess with Julie Bertuzzi)

Would the media love me or hate me: Love me. Really? Did you even have to ask? I'm a smooth talker, funny as hell and cute as a button. Plus, I make for some interesting highlights on Spotscenter.