Monday, June 30, 2008

Summer effing Vacation

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm worried, I'm hopeful... I'm tired.

I hate hiding my feelings, but I'm trying to be really strong for McMan. Keeping a happy, cheerful face, while still being mindful and considerate of plans and things changing because of his tumor. I've grinned through all the jokes him and his friends make, coping with it, but I just want to hit them all. This isn't like his gallbladder, or his appendix. it's a TUMOR next to his BONE.

He's tired, he's frustrated, he's scared, even if he doesn't admit it to anyone but me. He's more than entitled to that... But I am too. And I'm sick of putting on the happy face about it. I fucking hate this damn tumor.

He's going over to Seattle on Monday with his mom to see the Dr. over there about treatments. My guess is they'll say, "ok, that's what it is, we're taking it out this afternoon/tomorrow."

I'm not even asking to go even though I'm going to be useless at work. I had to practically get into a fight with him to let me take him to the hospital in March and he wouldn't even let me stay until they took him in to prep him.

He's not sure now if he wants to take our trip this weekend for the holiday. I completely understand since it'll be 1o hours in the car round trip only to turn around and spend another 3.5 to Seattle on Monday.

I want to cry, but that doesn't seem very hopeful, does it? I want to scream and punch things, but that's not attractive or productive. I want to be with him right now instead of alone in my apartment, but I do wake up at an ungodly hour, and he needs his rest, especially if he's having surgery next week.

I effing hate being a big kid.

No comments: