Sunday, April 29, 2007

How to tell the Versus ads are American

The Canucks commercial states that the "Quest for th cup is on in the Pacific NW."
Um, Excuse me... Mr. Versus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Vancouver is in Canada. It's the Pacific SOUTH West of that glorious nation. Unless we've annexed that part of BC... In which case, living in WA just got a LOT better.

Meme yoinked from Sportsquee

"If I were a hockey player" (to the tune of "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler, of course)

Team: New York Islanders

Uniform number: 38

Position: back-up Goalie

Nickname: McMer, McPhizzle, Irish Iguana, Red, Cinnamon-Sugar Tits

Dream linemates: I want The Dion and Brendan Witt in front of me. hard hitters and cute as buttons

Rounding out the PP: Joe Thornton, Mike Fisher and Todd Bertuzzi (if I need to explain those choices, you obviously know nothing about me)

Job: Bench warmer and water girl. Let's face it, even if Ricky gets another concussion, they'd still pull Dubie up and I'd still just be eyecandy on the bench.

Signature move: Making kissy faces and winking at opposing players to get them off their game. The occasional boob might have to be flashed for those pesky "focused" types.

Strengths: great glove hand (that's what he said...), firey red hair, big fat mouth that's usually spewing some sort of sarcastic commentary, bedroom eyes, killer salsa-making skills, I know my way around the kitchen, and I can shake my booty with the best of them.

Weaknesses: various food/latex allergies, healthy fear of male genitalia, tendency to get heat rash under the chest protector, trick knee, I'm really unlpeasent when hungry and tired.

Equipment: pads and blocker with more stars than Ricky D; stick all done up with pink tape; Pink and Orange painted Helmet - also laden with stars; purple neck protector; no turtlenecks. period.

Nemesis: Detroit Redwings; The Martins - both Brodeur and St. Louis; the creepy creepy Sedin Twins - I refuse to look at them from the bench for fear that they will use their powers of evil to make my breasts sag like a mother of 12.

Scandal involvment: being a lovechild of a young Mark Messier; demanding to dress in the same room as the boys; changing my hair color during playoffs; my unwillingness to divulge to the media whether or not i have a 'playoff beard'

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: If I'm in net? The Blackhawks... I'll give me a fighting chance.

What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it to an Ams game so that a certain someone could stop gloating, drink an enormous shirley temple out of it (lots of extra cherries) and then when my sugar crashed, sleep with it. Naked. Spooning my picks for linemates of course. (Well, at least DiPi, Fish, Joe and The Dion - something tells me I don't want to mess with Julie Bertuzzi)

Would the media love me or hate me: Love me. Really? Did you even have to ask? I'm a smooth talker, funny as hell and cute as a button. Plus, I make for some interesting highlights on Spotscenter.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Caption Me: Turco & Luongo

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Luongo: Hi! I'ma Borat!
Turco: You sonofabitch.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Fisher of Men

My Ottawa B/F, Mike Fisher, has just become the love of my playoff life.

All because of this article.

I'm moving to Ottawa.

Playoff Musings

I'm already enjoying the hours upon hours of sunshine (albeit through the windows in my office...) and I'm STOKED to get out on the river (when it warms up a few degrees). However, I am aware of the fact that soon, the only hockey I'm going to be watching is if I walk into the living room at an inopportune moment and catch my roomie on the couch playing tonsil hockey with one of her many suitors.
Post season thoughts. In so many ways, for so many teams.

  • Our Ams are home for the summer. Partying like it's 199--- their birth year.

  • The Grizz... who am I kidding? Jen is right, even the Winterhawks could've beat them this spring. At least they got their celebration on at the Price is Right.

  • My Islanders (because as they say, We're all Islanders) We all celebrated their jubilant rise to the post season only to have it raped away by the refs and the 'roids. (Wise words to Sean Hill from the immortal Pauly Shore in the cinematic masterpiece Son in Law, "Juice will make the jewels shrivel into sundried tomatoes!")

  • The Blackhawks - Is it strange that sometimes I forget that they're in the NHL?

  • TC Titans - I could really go for some Nachos and yelling random names at kids who are "squeezing the last drop out of Livin' the dream." I may or may not have woken from a deep sleep this morning shouting, "You're NOT OVECHKIN!"

  • The Flames - I guess we'll have to get our fix of The Dion and slash-happy goalies from Youtube.

  • The Pens - Read Ann's post from earlier today. My biggest fear: He'll try his damndest to corrupt poor Cindy Crosby. Be afraid. Be very afraid. He's brought the stock of other talented players down.... *coughheedcough*

  • TampaBay - No sadness here. Just means that Vinny will get to start his scedule of shared custody with Jen and me.

  • The Caps Again, no sadness. Just means we get to see Olie's "ugly mug" around town all summer. Ask Shar, it's a tough one to look at.... ha...

  • Everett - You got beat by PG. Stick that in your rank, wet gear and ride home in it, Constantine.

  • Seattle - Not so hot without Schmitty scoring goals for you, are ya?

At least the Maple Leaf Mafia never takes an off-season!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Hammer's trip to TRI

puckitallHammer came up today for some shopping, Fiesta and a rousing game of NHLopoly.
Quote of the day: "Devils Hockey... it's like they're skating through a puddle of molasses in Saskatchewan in January." - Hammer in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble.
Our game

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I won on a technicality - the bank ran out of money... We may or may not have woke my roommate up with screams of "OTTAWA?! FUCK!" and singing, "DionPhaneuf... do-do-dadodo..." Both of which rock my world.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Price is Wrong, Bitch!

The big bro with his team visit the Price Is Right:

I totally forgot to update about this last night, but that is probably because I was laughing too hard.

So I get home and turn my TV on, ready to watch my DVR'd "The Price Is Right" Starring the Utah Grizzlies, right? Well, i watched american idol (duh) and house (habit) before i remembered that there was some Twitchy McGee love to behold.

The Grizz acted like they'd all just got pulled up to the show when they called Ed Campbell's name. Jake chopped his locks a smidge - layered, I think... but he looked a little chunkier than I last saw him... Note to the first born: when you're injured, cut back on the beer.

Ed was pretty funny - DEF a hockey player. Cracking jokes, hugging it out with Barker, looking to his teammates for help guessing prices. Jake is special - Hammer can attest to this - he can't even hold up a steady number of fingers. You're on national television, try not to look like you need a helmet off the ice, too, mmkay, broseph?

Ed spun that wheel like it was his JOB. Big Bob even joked that they'd have to cut out a commercial break b/c it was still spinning. Not only did kid go to the showcase showdown, but he won a spin-off to get there!

I'm fairly sure a couple of Barker's Beauties had to be moved to the IR after the massive dogpile on The Twitch when he won it all.

All-in-all, it was good times.

Update: Mom came by to watch her son's national tv debut (his hockey mug on the evening news in Minneapolis for being arrested doesn't count as national) and as soon as he popped up on the screen (well, after she wiped the tears from her eyes) she said, "That's the sweater I sent him for Valentine's Day!"
My answer to that, "Sweater? All I got was a teddy bear with a crown on and fruit snacks... that I was allergic to."